Saturday, March 29, 2008

Yes

Ok so I like some of my friends am becoming more and more interested in Eckhart Tolle's teachings, and I wanted to comment on what he says in this video.

"I'm not saying no challenges will ever come anymore... of course they will... challenges are wonderful. But they are simple because they are only now... there's nothing that big that can come into the field of now... and the power to deal with it is there in the now."

This is exactly how I felt when my father was dying... and part of what I took away from that experience. His dying very much brought me into that present moment, and because I was in the moment I could cope with it. And that amazed me at the time.

Since I have seemed or felt that I've felt so miserable lately, I'm gong to try to be in the now more again, so that I can handle things as well as I did then... because nothing that big can come... good or bad. Whew.

Opening my Eyes


I have done a lot of pretty kooky things since I moved to Hollywood in an effort to avoid myself. Not drugs, or drinking, like many fall down to... that's just not my speed. But I have let my life become cluttered with a lot of unnecessary things. Physical clutter that diminishes the enjoyment of my personal space. Clutter that de-energizes me and distracts my focus from what I really need to be doing. Mental clutter - constantly wondering what I need to be doing rather than just doing SOMETHING dammit. Asking unqualified people the way when I just need to pick up the dang machete and start hacking my own way through the jungle. And emotional clutter - clinging to impossible situations and people that blatantly don't care about me- but I chose blinders and daydreaming over and over again.... all because it helps me avoid what is going on with me right now. I can't believe I let myself get so cocooned in my own neurosis that I wake up here, very much removed from reality.

It's not all my fault. Life is challenging... you gotta learn to live it well, or at least I do. And some people can present you with obstacles... they can try to use you or lie to you... their own smallness of character can negatively impact you. And then some help you dig your own grave and are simply careless or unintentionally moronic and cruel... but it really does come down to ME, my fault, for giving any of them the time of day or any mental real estate chez Beauty Ninja. I'm too young and too ambitious and too smart to keep this cycle going even ONE MINUTE longer. It's over. Like Scorsese said "Cinema is a matter of what's in the frame and what's out".

Well, so is my life.... and the people, ideas, and habits that create it. And its spring cleaning motherfuckas!!

Friday, March 28, 2008

Truth be Told



I am so unhappy. I hate my life right now, and I don't know how to change it, change me.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

I like wearing blue jeans

There are so many reasons I am touched by this video. The class and gentleness of the interviewer, absolute charm and candidness of Tom... I don't care what he has gone through since... I think he's a good guy with a good heart and it shows here:

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Second Thoughts



No poetry about it today. I feel overwhelmed, underwhelmed, worn out, low energy... depressed? I guess it's from not eating breakfast, or having worked as background for a day on the set of The Office.

Looking at Steve Carrell standing there in the middle of us hundred "NY club-goers" extras with his thick pancake makeup and personal hand-held fan to keep cool between takes, I just felt something inside of me die. Is THAT what I'm killing myself for? To be one of these people that stands around these sets which feel like feudal camps as the queen instead of the indentured servant? To have my vegetables-and-chicken-only-fed ass starving as I sit in a canvassed chair and watch hundreds of desperate extras get herded in and out of the set, gruff production folks tweak thousands of dollars of machinery, and two hours of prep go by so I can hit my mark and say "Wombats!!!! Crazy!"... cut! And then start all over again for the next set-up?!?!

To feel jealous and competitive most of the time despite all the self-help and Eckhart Tolle books I read? To have a job which is ROOTED, based, GROUNDED in what OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF ME and what I'm doing- because performing is all about other people... your audience... the mob.

As I was standing there on that stuffy set hearing the AD scream "settle! settle! quiet!" to a hundred exhausted background for the eightieth time and I watched Steve Carrell's little fan twirl... I just felt like there has gotta be a lot more to life, and perhaps a better way to spend it.

Monday, March 24, 2008

Luscious Kingdom



Books all over my floor
Dishes in the sink
Clothes off the hangers
Who cares
Reflections scrawled
in wet ink.

Spring is rustling outside my new window
I'm more ok with the contest
than ever
Taking jaunty strides
On my stilts built so clever.

No longer tightly wound
Fell down and came around
As usual...
Because I'm so adventual

The good and bad
Are parts of what I have
Compassed in my human state
This brilliant map
This luscious kingdom
All my own.

Vroom Vroom

If I have one bit of reporting and/or pearl of wisdom to bestow upon you this week it would be this: do NOT drink Sangria through a straw. Why? Because I think drinking it through the straw makes you suck it down a lot faster than sipping from the cup, and suddenly you may find yourself uncontrollably relinquishing the contents of your gut to whatever receptacle is most convenient, with your friend's friend's mother doing Reiki on you while she holds back your hair.

Thirty-six hours ago I could have claimed that I've only throw-up once in my life from drinking, but that is now no-longer the case.

Otherwise, this weekend was so much fun. Alexis let Joe take her Nissan sport for a test drive and we were both giddy, chuckling and smiling like idiots as we raced down the 2. I love fast sexy cars.

I got to snuggle a sweet doggie for several hours, go to an amazing Easter Brunch at Casa di Campo with a yummilicious bloody mary, lay on the beach while my friends buried me up to my neck in sand (it actually felt good), make a few extra hundred dollars, get the beginning of a tan, prepare to move to an affordable apartment, and just in general feel really thankful for my wonderful life and all the good things about it.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

yep

Fading infatuation
It is like a hollow ledge
Holding a little pool
Left there by the tide,
A little tepid pool,
Drying inward from the edge.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

No, VANILLA

Oh geeze, how am I going to take all the notes my consciousness plucked out of life today and bind them into a neat little package for you?

Today was pretty unproductive in the temporal world, and somewhat astonishingly productive in the world of my psyche.

Even though I wasted plenty of gas on a wild goose chase around town, I ended up in one of my favorite spots- a cozy leather chair at Borders- grazing on information that felt actually somewhat useful. Web-news and gossip that I typically chow down on are like Doritos compared to the protein shake of information I contemplated today.

In addition to the graphic design tome I grabbed to rescue me from the extra project's I've taken that may be a wee bit beyond my ability (hey, that's how we grow, right?), I furtively shuffled through the embarassing self-help section and quickly selected a book about Controlling People (and how to deal with them) because a friend had recommended a similar book the other day over our coffee and bitchfest about our kin who sometimes think we are insane for moving 2000+ miles away from all that is right good and normal.

Flipping through "How to deal with Controlling People" while self-consciously hiding the cover title with my hand went from light perusal to in depth, multiple chapter digestion. As I read through explanations about why we or others act like nut-balls sometimes, I started recognizing how controlling I can be and have been, and how it has affected my life in perhaps some ways I do not like. In fact, instead of feeling what I expected- harvesting gems of wisdom to build my case against the people who I feel have been aggressive, controlling, or victimized me... I was more engrossed in how I've been unwittingly controlling and negative towards them!

I was first intrigued by the "Teddy Bear Syndrome" example. It's more complicated than I want to go into here, but the jist is that you shouldn't treat people like your stuffed animal. A teddy bear is always there for you, sitting in the corner of your room, thinking the thoughts and feeling the feelings you deign appropriate for it. Kids create their teddy bear's personalities... they give them their psyche... and a lot of times we do that to each other as people too without realizing it. We create a whole idea about a person without really weighing their input into the matter! But what we must grasp is that we have no right to tell someone else about themselves, or how to think, or judge their reactions or needs, because that is violating their psychic boundary... and being controlling. The bottom line of it all was that when you let the spell of being controlling take you over, you miss out on authentic connections with people.

There were so many other interesting examples in the book- one being about a man that came up to the author and was like "Smile- Its a nice day". I HATE it when ppl say something like this to me. He used that as a prime example of backwards, controlling, psychically-invasive behavior. And while that may not seem so serious, if you have a long-term relationship with someone who is constantly chipping away at you with controlling behavior (verbal, emotional, or physical), constantly violating your psychic boundary, it can really lead to effing-up how you handle relationships and life.

Another example the author gave was of a little boy who fell outside of a grocery store and started crying. His parents rushed over and said "you aren't hurt! you are fine! you are making a big fuss over nothing" etc etc. I understand the logic of the parents here- they are trying to calm down the kid and keep him from crying cause man, you know how annoying you and your family are to everyone within a 6 aisle radius when you're in Target and can't control your screaming child... lolz... however, it's really not good to say something like this to a kid, because you're actually subtly dissassociating them from their feelings and personal clarity. The kid IS hurt and IS NOT fine and the fuss isn't over nothing- it is over falling... stop confusing him and undermining his clarity of experience just because you're uncomfortable and need to control.

Another example was of a mother who took her daughter for ice cream. The author overheard the mom ask "What flavor do
you want?".

"Vanilla" the little girl replied.

"No you don't, you love chocolate- don't you want chocolate chip?"

"No, I want Vanilla" the little girl repeated.

"Impossible. You want chocolate toffee crunch don't you?"

"No, VANILLA, beyotch"


Ok, I made the "beyotch" part up.... but the author remarked that he was amazed such a little girl (7) kept standing up for her actual choice in the face of a parent that was trying to exert so much control... and mused that she must have a supportive and nurturing figure in her life. This story hit home for me because my mom always did this and STILL does. I remember my dad saying she always asked me what I wanted to wear to school every morning, and because I was a felt like a princess in my red "valentine" dress I wanted to wear it every single day, and we'd end up getting in a huge argument before school every morning over this dress. My dad said he couldn't understand why she even asked me what I wanted to wear if she wasn't going to accept my answer- she could have just dressed me (at that young age) and avoided the fight!

While recognizing how to deal with her, and others' efforts (conscious or sub-conscious) to control me, I really want to carefully watch for when I try to control others. I really do want authentic understanding of other people's problems, joys, and lives... hey, I don't know what it's like to be you... but I'm recognizing that whatever is going on with you is probably way more interesting than anything I could project on you.

So yeah, that was my day. Lol.

Saturday, March 15, 2008

Diary


Its almost 6am. I've been up all night puttering around my nice little studio apartment. Heard the roosters crow at 4am down the street. The air is flowing like a smooth icy ribbon in through the window. I know I only have about two more weeks alone in this somewhat nicely finished, somewhat favorably situated habitat of mine. I'm moving to a different corner of town... less glamorous, more affordable.

Trading immediate semi-gratification in the hopes of one day being able to afford to buy a place of my own. My new apartment will have roommates, and wall to wall stained carpeting (barf), and slightly dingy white walls, and a considerably lower monthly bill.

It's ok. I've been a bit lonely here to be honest. And although I'll miss the roosters and geese that cluck and crow down the street, my new bedroom in my new place has a wonderful big tree whose large green leaves constantly shuffle in the wind right outside my very large bedroom window. That, and a garbage disposal in the kitchen, woot!

***

Maybe it is a by-product of maturing, but I'm feeling less and less like I want to blog. I just don't feel safe sharing all my innerness with the outernet like I did when I was a dumb kid. I can post about poems I like, or news stories that incite me. But I love exploring the world of feeling, and yet don't want you reading about mine really anymore. I've got a diary now that'll be tucked away in my new room in the shifting shadows of that rustling tree. Whenever I've written in a hard bound diary I've wondered at who would find it and read it one day- would it end up in some dusty attic, or some garage sale, or some granddaughter's hands? Should all my emotional strum and drang be filed away in that time capsule... it's energy and passion softened and perhaps made protectively palatable by the passage of lots of time... instead of instantly published to the universe online? Yeah, I think so now.

Ebb

Ebb

I know what my heart is like
Since your love died:
It is like a hollow ledge
Holding a little pool
Left there by the tide,
A little tepid pool,
Drying inward from the edge.

ESVM

Why should I even attempt to write poetry anymore?.... this woman has already penned it all down. Everything dries inward from the edge doesn't it? I often look at the physical world around me and see it's patterns reflected by the ineffable... emotional momentums , the maturation of thoughts, social dynamics. The invisible yet innately known rhythms of being in this world beating out through every molecule.

That's what karma is to me... perhaps bad karma is simply not-understanding the ripples your particular type of thrashing produces.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

One Hundredth Post



I've been blogging since 2003... so I've probably written thousands of posts (which I am working on compiling). At this URL, in this current incarnation, however, this is my 100th post.

In celebration, one of my favorite poet's most famous poems:

Renascence

ALL I could see from where I stood
Was three long mountains and a wood;
I turned and looked the other way,
And saw three islands in a bay.
So with my eyes I traced the line 5
Of the horizon, thin and fine,
Straight around till I was come
Back to where I’d started from;
And all I saw from where I stood
Was three long mountains and a wood. 10
Over these things I could not see:
These were the things that bounded me;
And I could touch them with my hand,
Almost, I thought, from where I stand.
And all at once things seemed so small 15
My breath came short, and scarce at all.
But, sure, the sky is big, I said;
Miles and miles above my head;
So here upon my back I’ll lie
And look my fill into the sky. 20
And so I looked, and, after all,
The sky was not so very tall.
The sky, I said, must somewhere stop,
And—sure enough!—I see the top!
The sky, I thought, is not so grand; 25
I ’most could touch it with my hand!
And reaching up my hand to try,
I screamed to feel it touch the sky.
I screamed, and—lo!—Infinity
Came down and settled over me; 30
Forced back my scream into my chest,
Bent back my arm upon my breast,
And, pressing of the Undefined
The definition on my mind,
Held up before my eyes a glass 35
Through which my shrinking sight did pass
Until it seemed I must behold
Immensity made manifold;
Whispered to me a word whose sound
Deafened the air for worlds around, 40
And brought unmuffled to my ears
The gossiping of friendly spheres,
The creaking of the tented sky,
The ticking of Eternity.
I saw and heard and knew at last 45
The How and Why of all things, past,
And present, and forevermore.
The Universe, cleft to the core,
Lay open to my probing sense
That, sick’ning, I would fain pluck thence 50
But could not,—nay! But needs must suck
At the great wound, and could not pluck
My lips away till I had drawn
All venom out.—Ah, fearful pawn!
For my omniscience paid I toll 55
In infinite remorse of soul.
All sin was of my sinning, all
Atoning mine, and mine the gall
Of all regret. Mine was the weight
Of every brooded wrong, the hate 60
That stood behind each envious thrust,
Mine every greed, mine every lust.
And all the while for every grief,
Each suffering, I craved relief
With individual desire,— 65
Craved all in vain! And felt fierce fire
About a thousand people crawl;
Perished with each,—then mourned for all!
A man was starving in Capri;
He moved his eyes and looked at me; 70
I felt his gaze, I heard his moan,
And knew his hunger as my own.
I saw at sea a great fog bank
Between two ships that struck and sank;
A thousand screams the heavens smote; 75
And every scream tore through my throat.
No hurt I did not feel, no death
That was not mine; mine each last breath
That, crying, met an answering cry
From the compassion that was I. 80
All suffering mine, and mine its rod;
Mine, pity like the pity of God.
Ah, awful weight! Infinity
Pressed down upon the finite Me!
My anguished spirit, like a bird, 85
Beating against my lips I heard;
Yet lay the weight so close about
There was no room for it without.
And so beneath the weight lay I
And suffered death, but could not die. 90

Long had I lain thus, craving death,
When quietly the earth beneath
Gave way, and inch by inch, so great
At last had grown the crushing weight,
Into the earth I sank till I 95
Full six feet under ground did lie,
And sank no more,—there is no weight
Can follow here, however great.
From off my breast I felt it roll,
And as it went my tortured soul 100
Burst forth and fled in such a gust
That all about me swirled the dust.

Deep in the earth I rested now;
Cool is its hand upon the brow
And soft its breast beneath the head 105
Of one who is so gladly dead.
And all at once, and over all
The pitying rain began to fall;
I lay and heard each pattering hoof
Upon my lowly, thatchèd roof, 110
And seemed to love the sound far more
Than ever I had done before.
For rain it hath a friendly sound
To one who’s six feet under ground;
And scarce the friendly voice or face: 115
A grave is such a quiet place.

The rain, I said, is kind to come
And speak to me in my new home.
I would I were alive again
To kiss the fingers of the rain, 120
To drink into my eyes the shine
Of every slanting silver line,
To catch the freshened, fragrant breeze
From drenched and dripping apple-trees.
For soon the shower will be done, 125
And then the broad face of the sun
Will laugh above the rain-soaked earth
Until the world with answering mirth
Shakes joyously, and each round drop
Rolls, twinkling, from its grass-blade top. 130
How can I bear it; buried here,
While overhead the sky grows clear
And blue again after the storm?
O, multi-colored, multiform,
Beloved beauty over me, 135
That I shall never, never see
Again! Spring-silver, autumn-gold,
That I shall never more behold!
Sleeping your myriad magics through,
Close-sepulchred away from you! 140
O God, I cried, give me new birth,
And put me back upon the earth!
Upset each cloud’s gigantic gourd
And let the heavy rain, down-poured
In one big torrent, set me free, 145
Washing my grave away from me!

I ceased; and through the breathless hush
That answered me, the far-off rush
Of herald wings came whispering
Like music down the vibrant string 150
Of my ascending prayer, and—crash!
Before the wild wind’s whistling lash
The startled storm-clouds reared on high
And plunged in terror down the sky,
And the big rain in one black wave 155
Fell from the sky and struck my grave.
I know not how such things can be;
I only know there came to me
A fragrance such as never clings
To aught save happy living things; 160
A sound as of some joyous elf
Singing sweet songs to please himself,
And, through and over everything,
A sense of glad awakening.
The grass, a-tiptoe at my ear, 165
Whispering to me I could hear;
I felt the rain’s cool finger-tips
Brushed tenderly across my lips,
Laid gently on my sealèd sight,
And all at once the heavy night 170
Fell from my eyes and I could see,—
A drenched and dripping apple-tree,
A last long line of silver rain,
A sky grown clear and blue again.
And as I looked a quickening gust 175
Of wind blew up to me and thrust
Into my face a miracle
Of orchard-breath, and with the smell,—
I know not how such things can be!—
I breathed my soul back into me. 180
Ah! Up then from the ground sprang I
And hailed the earth with such a cry
As is not heard save from a man
Who has been dead, and lives again.
About the trees my arms I wound; 185
Like one gone mad I hugged the ground;
I raised my quivering arms on high;
I laughed and laughed into the sky,
Till at my throat a strangling sob
Caught fiercely, and a great heart-throb 190
Sent instant tears into my eyes;
O God, I cried, no dark disguise
Can e’er hereafter hide from me
Thy radiant identity!
Thou canst not move across the grass 195
But my quick eyes will see Thee pass,
Nor speak, however silently,
But my hushed voice will answer Thee.
I know the path that tells Thy way
Through the cool eve of every day; 200
God, I can push the grass apart
And lay my finger on Thy heart!

The world stands out on either side
No wider than the heart is wide;
Above the world is stretched the sky,— 205
No higher than the soul is high.
The heart can push the sea and land
Farther away on either hand;
The soul can split the sky in two,
And let the face of God shine through. 210
But East and West will pinch the heart
That can not keep them pushed apart;
And he whose soul is flat—the sky
Will cave in on him by and by.


- Edna St. Vincent Millay (1917)

Monday, March 10, 2008

Far Away Place of the day


Trinidad and Tobago, West Indies, 1999
Photograph by David Alan Harvey

Sunlight filters over the forested seaside cliffs of Trinidad and Tobago. The Caribbean islands, which lie just beyond the tail end of the Windward Antilles, are a study in contrasts. Densely populated Trinidad is an industrial giant with a thriving nightlife; a two-hour ferry ride away, Tobago is a relatively undeveloped, easygoing island that specializes in relaxation.

(Photo shot on assignment for, but not published in, "Limin' Time," September 1999, National Geographic Traveler magazine)

Take Full Responsibility

You are being asked to look at your present situation, the one that brought you to this reading or the most predominent challenge you face at this time, and consider much more closely how it has been built on every choice you have made with regard to it.

If you have found yourself startled by a change of situation that seems very sudden and unexpected, it is because you have gone unconscious in your life, in some way. Otherwise, you would have seen this coming.

No more victim thinking or victim language. It is entirely counter-productive. Commit to taking full responsibility for the present circumstance because that is the only decision that can empower you to change it.

Who have you allowed to have influence over your decisions in this matter? Where have you veiled your own leaning toward a direction, to follow the direction of another. What did you accept, against your better judgment, as the way it had to be? These are areas to explore, to get the full benefit of this spirit message today.

And most significantly, trace back the subtle beginning of patterns of behaving that have gained momentum over time, like a snowball rolling downhill, and recognize how you set this all in motion.

It is the beginning that creates the end, if nothing intervenes to stop it. Be the tree standing in the middle of the downhill slope right now. Allow the snowball to dash against new awareness.

Start saying no more. Especially practice saying no to people you habitually agree with, or at least notice when you have an internal no going on , at the same time that you are nodding yes.

You will begin to see when you are over-extending yourself, obligating yourself out of guilt, a need to be accepted, or some other spiritually imbalanced motive.

Sunday, March 9, 2008

What is satisfaction?



This is all going to sound really negative so if it's going to get you down, make you think I'm a whiney victim, or make you feel like you need to write me a buck-up-little-solidier email, please just stop reading now and DON'T cause I really just want to vent.

I'm sick of doing this. I am sick of feeling strapped for cash, lost for direction, tricked, fooled, beaten, rejected, used, un-inspired, un-creative, alone and un-special. I feel like my smiles are fake and I'm just not REALLY having any fun anymore. I feel an utter lack of control. I feel an utter lack of energy and enthusiasm.

I just feel a lot of hate and dissatisfaction right now. I don't want to do x, y or z. I feel burnt out and beaten down and like life is just sorta a big annoying thing. I am bitter about moving again, yet I don't like where I'm living now. I am in debt. I am out of ideas. I am exhausted.

I've picked poorly, spent time unwisely, and just feel so tired. Like I want to sleep sleep sleep.

I feel like I haven't built ANYTHING, torn apart the value I did have. I haven't found what I'm looking for. I'm still not who I want to be. I want to shave my head, sell my clothes, find a new country, and be reborn. But I won't, cause I'm still trapped inside myself.

And yet my hysteria is encapsulated in the mundane minute by minute, day after day. Nothing happens quickly enough, if ever. I keep falling short. How do I turn this heavy train around...

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Don't Ruin my CHAMPAGNE TOAST!

Please take a moment out of your day and watch:


"I couldn't have been more disgusted by your birth if I had shit out an 8 lb turd!".


Episode 1:


Episode 2:


Episode 3:


Episode 4:

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

I've got the Feva



Well, I caught the junk that was going around. I had the 1-day sore throat thing, and now my nose is running like a faucet. This is the epitome of head cold. And I've got that toasty-face feeling, like there are little puff-the-magic-dragon smoke clouds coming out of my nose when i breathe... which to me is the feeling i get when i have a fever. boo. :(

I am very sad to hear about Patrick Swayze being possibly terminally ill. Who doesn't love him from his awesome movie roles? Everytime I hear about someone being diagnosed with cancer I wonder if they think about going on a raw food diet. I had a friend-of-a-friend who did this, and their cancer actually went away on its own. His body also completely transformed into looking 30 years younger... but it was a MASSIVE lifestyle change that is not easy at all. I couldn't even eat raw for one day when I tried!

Off to celebrate my honey bunny's birthday.

No wonder I feel like Crap



I made this very 5th-grader-esque chart on poster board and hung it in my room to track my daily eating, exercise, and productivity habits. I have a tendency to be a disorganized mess, and I think I can't see the trees for the forest a lot of times... and I do mean that in that order.

Well only one week has gone by and dang... I will let the evidence speak for itself:

Number of times I felt:

frenetic, agitated, angry: 5
sad: 5
ok, peaceful, good: 4
energized: 3
unfocused, lethargic: 2
more focused: 1

Ok, that's not a really scientific analysis there, but it was a rough indication of the overarching emotions I experienced in the last 7 days. Now I'm going to unscientifically analyze the kinds of food I ate, sorta by servings:

Sugar/Junk: 17
Grain: 7
Caffeine: 6
Protein: 6
Alcohol: 4
Fruit: 6
Dairy: 2
Sodium: 2
Vegetable: 2

No wonder I feel moody, agitated, unfocused, and nuts- all I eat is SUGAR, carbs, and caffeine! With some booze and a few apples thrown in for good measure.

I had no idea my eating habits were so bad. I had no clue I'd eaten so few veggies this week... and enchilada is a poor source of anything but gas, seriously kids.

I'm really glad I charted that this week cause instead of getting that monster energy drink tomorrow, I'm reaching for a V8 (low sodium), a bunch of carrots, and my usual daily organic apple. I hope I can be disciplined enough this week to make some real changes. I have GOT to reduce this sugar intake- it is totally out of control. It'll be like quitting a hard drug I suspect, but the sugar has GOT to go.

Check out mypyramid.gov- you can chart your dietary progress, nutritional intake, and do all these other cool things FOR FREE.... it'll track your diet for up to a year! Great way to get a picture of what you are consuming, bite by bite like I am (I am sorta partial to poster board though :)).

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

Hand Me Downs



I think it's trouble when I'm sick of looking at the outfits that the Sex and the City ladies are wearing before the movie has even come out. What a drag! They should have guarded this production more carefully in my opinion- the outfits are one of the biggest things! I wanted to wonder what they were wearing! Now I'm going to sit through the entire movie going "seen it, seen it, seen it" from all the paparazi shots of SJP in this clown suit which at first seemed inspired and now with the wear of time and repetition, like many similar outfits in my closet, just looks dumb.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

I am not a "Barak-Star"



I don't know why i feel compelled to write this, because talking about politics is a sure fire way to piss anybody or everybody off, but I feel like i haven't heard anyone address what I'm about to say... and I wanted to throw it out there for people to think about and respond to (in a non-violent, objective, thoughtful way hopefully).

Let me preface it by firmly declaring that I consider myself very open and empathetic. I will not lie and say I am not a little racist- I think everyone has a small grain of racism, sexism, bigotry, or some other unpopular and unhealthy seed of fear buried within them because right now that seems to be human nature. I am however, very sensitive to race, gender, orientation... I give everyone a fair shake and judge them based on their actions, not their genetic windfall. I have friends and acquaintances of every color and category and I love and respect them all.

Ok, all that being said.... the Obamamania that is sweeping the country, or at least the media airwaves, is freaking me out 'yall.

I VERY MUCH want a democrat in the white house after Mr. Worst President Ever steps down. I would be happy with almost any democratic candidate that got the nomination... and I think Hillary and Obama are both amazing candidates (certainly more exciting than John Kerry in my opinion). But, BUT, BUUUUTTTT.... I have this sinking feeling that if Obama gets the Democratic nomination, we will ultimately lose our bid for the white house.

I am very progressive. I've lived all over the world, worked in dozens of different environments from the slums of Evarts, Kentucky to the heights of the financial district in Manhattan, New York. I observe people and think about the state of the nation and it's people daily (like most of you too I bet). I am also from the American South, North Carolina to be exact, a historically very republican and conservative state. Which leads me to this....

The democrats want the presidency badly, and now they are trying to push two unconventional "types" for the candidacy. I think its great- it really is time for SOME kind of change... but the vitriol with which they have denounced Mrs. Clinton lately, and the manic, unrealistic fervor with which they have been surging Obama up up up seems dangerous to me. I recently DID hear someone say "they've done it again- the democrats have gone and shot themselves in the foot... they'll never get a black man elected president".

The statement pissed me off, but it also made me think. Is the entire USA ready to elect a non-white to the presidency? If Obama gets the nomination, will he be able to win over all the large congregations of conservative evangelical Christians ? What about all the Republicans who can be swayed? Will he be eaten alive by the good-ole-boy system in place in Washington?

I have to admit that I think Hillary Clinton is the most electable in terms of when this becomes a red blue race (and hopefully not a black white, or male female race).

I think fear is a dangerous thing, and I realize that this entire message perhaps is based on that negative vibe... but I do fear that if the Obama train keeps barreling down the track without democrats calming down and thinking about the long term, we may end up with tears in our beers again come election day. His lack of long-term experience in the public eye, public minds, and Washington make me afraid to hop onto the wave of "hope". The Gen-Xy feel when I see him take the stage to the song "Party like a Barak star" makes me want to vomit.... this isn't a tailgate this is the freaking PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

I think he'd make a great Vice Prez this go-round, and a fantastic president some day, but for now, I just want a democrat in there... and I think Hillary may have the best shot in terms of wooing the entire country. And that's what I want to base my vote on.

What do you think about this?

Bird in the Snow



"A boy with a coin he found in the weeds
With bullets and pages of trade magazines
Close to a car that flipped on the turn
When God left the ground to circle the world

A girl with a bird she found in the snow
Then flew up her gown and that’s how she knows
That God made her eyes for crying at birth
Then left the ground to circle the Earth

A boy with a coin he crammed in his jeans
Then making a wish he tossed in the sea
Walked to a town that all of us burn
When God left the ground to circle the world"