
Tonight I had some wine with a friend and watched the movie he just finished directing/shooting in Thailand. It was another labor of love on his part... and will be one of his biggest releases to date. I see him, and he is very determined to be "this". "This" is some idea he has in his head. I think he has sacrificed a lot for it. I sense tons of stubbornness and some dissatisfaction.
He asked me what has been up with me lately, and I went on a monologue of the changes I'd made these past few months.
I have put down the acting cross for now. The funny thing is, I had truly put it down months ago, but wasn't willing to mentally relinquish it for a while. When I commit to something, I do it very deeply, and I do not believe in failure really. But life was happening, and I've been changing a lot- challenging situations out here made it necessary. I'm happy about it.
I didn't want to officially retire my pursuit because I felt like it meant I was giving up. I also felt like it made me "one of those dreamers" that flies out here and burns out after a few challenges. But the reality is, it is not negative thinking that is making me stop. It was negative thinking that was making me continue.
This was not sitting well with my friend. I think it's because I was saying I didn't want to be a part of the industry he's fought tooth an nail to move up through, that I didn't want to live forever in a town he feels tied to. Maybe me making a break for it made him feel disapproval of his choices. Or maybe they just teased out his own underlying dissatisfaction.
He always talks about how he's one of the few that believe in me, but I don't feel that at all. He's never helped me in any practical way - believed in me enough to give me a chance to do something on a project that was well within my capabilities. I've felt he's just wanted to take something from me... And you know, I think
he thinks he cares about me, and that maybe he loves me (not so secretly), but I've never let it go there because I'm not attracted to him, and also because I sense that it's
all about him. And that to me is not caring, love, or anything close.
It's frustrating. I wish we both felt bigger, stronger, and better after our conversations. It's one of those people who I don't think I'll ever be able to honestly communicate with, we don't have the same mental or emotional tools, but it is what it is.