Grrrrrr
Lately I'm having an issue with blaming everyone except for myself for my problems. That, and jealousy. And I'm too angry and pissed and exhausted to even write about it.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Lately I'm having an issue with blaming everyone except for myself for my problems. That, and jealousy. And I'm too angry and pissed and exhausted to even write about it.
Monday, November 3, 2008
Smear Tactics
I'm really ready for this election to be over with. My family got into a shouting match tonight after dinner over it... my sister and mother team McCain/Republican, my stepfather and I team Obama/Democrat.
Actually, my stepfather and I consider ourselves Independents. It doesn't matter if we say that though in a conversation over the family dinner table, however, because my mom just makes a face and a snide comment about it. My entire experience with Republicans the last few years has been completely consistent from an interpersonal level to the campaign ads I see on tv- broad rhetoric, fear-based arguments, non-linear logic, personal attacks, and a complete disregard for the truth in favor of sensationalist statements and spin.
I sat there and listened to my mom opine how my generation doesn't care about protecting America- how we are not patriotic and don't know what it takes, and how Obama doesn't have what it takes, to step up to the plate if an attack presented itself. I then argued that it was precisely because I cared about America and the security of our nation that I felt we should never have gone into Iraq... that it was a distraction and misuse of resources from the real issue at hand which was Al Qeada, terrorists in Afghanistan and Pakistan. She responded by making fun of the fact that I've been offered a job in Aspen for the next four months and that I was considering it... implying, I guess, that I live in a world of unreality.
My mom makes things personal often. Whether it is right or wrong, I often have a hard time resolving how I feel about her. On the one hand, she does so much for me... cooks me dinner, lets me move home, helps me with my taxes... and she does a lot for others... volunteering and helping those less fortunate. On the other hand, she consistently criticizes me and makes snide comments. Despite all the on-paper things she does for me which are so gracious and generous, I continually have this feeling that she does not respect me or understand me or think I'm ever right, or intelligent, or capable.
And that really hurts. The fact that my mom continually infers that I am incapable makes me worry that maybe I really am incapable. Is it true? Does the truth about me hurt? Or is she just being a bitch?
I'm not going to yell at her or even try to talk about it tonight with her, because I already know the conversation. She will say that I'm too sensitive, she's just kidding, I take everything to seriously... blah blah... then she'll push some more buttons and I'll walk away hating and distrusting myself even more. And maybe all of her criticisms are true. But it still doesn't remove the fact that I will never feel like I'm enough to her no matter how many times she says on paper that I am, because the devil is in the details, and all the little comments she sprinkles into daily conversation belies the fact in my mind that she does not respect me. Even if I did marry a prince, have a perfect set of twins, and have a job making 150K a year, I still have a feeling those degrading comments would definitely be there.
And so the result is that I have this wall. I now no longer respect 90% of what she says to me because she states one thing, but then infers another. The truth is I have to retreat upstairs alone to my blog to talk about how I feel and try to get some relief because the reality is she just makes me feel bad. I know that so many kids have such worse situations with their parents than I do, but that doesn't stop me from wishing things were different in my case too.
I wish I felt really solid and clear about my only remaining parent because I wish I had a positive familial foundation to offer any man that may come into my life that I'd be in a serious relationship with. I'd really love to marry someone with a great, loving, solid family and I worry that someone with that will be put-off my the circumstances of mine. :(
I guess I just need to try to respect myself on my own terms and steer my own ship, and pray that I find someone who loves me in all the ways I haven't felt in a while.
Actually, my stepfather and I consider ourselves Independents. It doesn't matter if we say that though in a conversation over the family dinner table, however, because my mom just makes a face and a snide comment about it. My entire experience with Republicans the last few years has been completely consistent from an interpersonal level to the campaign ads I see on tv- broad rhetoric, fear-based arguments, non-linear logic, personal attacks, and a complete disregard for the truth in favor of sensationalist statements and spin.
I sat there and listened to my mom opine how my generation doesn't care about protecting America- how we are not patriotic and don't know what it takes, and how Obama doesn't have what it takes, to step up to the plate if an attack presented itself. I then argued that it was precisely because I cared about America and the security of our nation that I felt we should never have gone into Iraq... that it was a distraction and misuse of resources from the real issue at hand which was Al Qeada, terrorists in Afghanistan and Pakistan. She responded by making fun of the fact that I've been offered a job in Aspen for the next four months and that I was considering it... implying, I guess, that I live in a world of unreality.
My mom makes things personal often. Whether it is right or wrong, I often have a hard time resolving how I feel about her. On the one hand, she does so much for me... cooks me dinner, lets me move home, helps me with my taxes... and she does a lot for others... volunteering and helping those less fortunate. On the other hand, she consistently criticizes me and makes snide comments. Despite all the on-paper things she does for me which are so gracious and generous, I continually have this feeling that she does not respect me or understand me or think I'm ever right, or intelligent, or capable.
And that really hurts. The fact that my mom continually infers that I am incapable makes me worry that maybe I really am incapable. Is it true? Does the truth about me hurt? Or is she just being a bitch?
I'm not going to yell at her or even try to talk about it tonight with her, because I already know the conversation. She will say that I'm too sensitive, she's just kidding, I take everything to seriously... blah blah... then she'll push some more buttons and I'll walk away hating and distrusting myself even more. And maybe all of her criticisms are true. But it still doesn't remove the fact that I will never feel like I'm enough to her no matter how many times she says on paper that I am, because the devil is in the details, and all the little comments she sprinkles into daily conversation belies the fact in my mind that she does not respect me. Even if I did marry a prince, have a perfect set of twins, and have a job making 150K a year, I still have a feeling those degrading comments would definitely be there.
And so the result is that I have this wall. I now no longer respect 90% of what she says to me because she states one thing, but then infers another. The truth is I have to retreat upstairs alone to my blog to talk about how I feel and try to get some relief because the reality is she just makes me feel bad. I know that so many kids have such worse situations with their parents than I do, but that doesn't stop me from wishing things were different in my case too.
I wish I felt really solid and clear about my only remaining parent because I wish I had a positive familial foundation to offer any man that may come into my life that I'd be in a serious relationship with. I'd really love to marry someone with a great, loving, solid family and I worry that someone with that will be put-off my the circumstances of mine. :(
I guess I just need to try to respect myself on my own terms and steer my own ship, and pray that I find someone who loves me in all the ways I haven't felt in a while.
